)We started to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs.
Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.
Then it was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby.
Our once-flat bellies looked like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee'd our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER.
Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more good push (more like 10)," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %*#!* (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb bowling ball through a keyhole.
After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings moped into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.
Then come their "Teen Years." Need I say more?
When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's--while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday.
So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HR and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.
Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks...
So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make even the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah right. Bite me.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Birth Order of Children... (ALSO TRUE!!
)Your Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby:! When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
Swallowing Coins:
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and noticed she had only three hairs on her head.
"Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today." So she did and she had a wonderful day.
The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had only two hairs on her head.
"Hmmm," she said, "I think I'll part my hair down the middle today." So she did and she had a grand day.
The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head.
"Well," she said, "Today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail." So she did and she had an excellent day.
The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head.
"YAY!" she exclaimed, "I don't have to fix my hair today!"
Attitude is everything!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Here is a chicken recipe that includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing--imagine that. When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.
BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
6-7 lb. Chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (Orville Redenbacher's Lowfat)
Salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for the popping sounds. When the chicken's butt blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it's done.
And you thought I couldn't cook!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A magic Fairy suddenly appeared one day and told a married couple, "For being such an exemplary married couple for 35 years, I will give you each a wish." The wife said, "I want to travel around the world with my dear husband." The fairy then waived her magic wand and said, "Abracadabra!" Two travel tickets suddenly appeared in the wife's hands. Now it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well, this moment is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So...I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife who is 30 years younger than me". The wife was deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. The Fairy then made a circle with her magic wand and said, "Abracadabra!" Suddenly the husband was 90 years old! Men might be bastards, but Fairies are...female.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Great Quotes from Famous Women:
Inside every older person is a younger person--wondering what the hell happened. - Cory Harvey Armstrong
Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut the bitch up with cookies. - Ging Ging Vitek
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. - Helen Hayes (at 73)
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. - Janette Barber
Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. - Lily Tomlin
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. - Carrie Snow
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends. - Laurie Kuslansky
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being: hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. - Erma Bombeck
Old age ain't no place for sissies. - Bette Davis
A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't. - Rhonda Hansome
The phrase "working mother" is redundant. - Jane Selman
Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows. - Jennifer Unlimited
Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. - Charlotte Whitton
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. - Caryn Leschen
I try to take one day at a time--but sometimes several days attack me at once. - Jennifer Unlimited
If you can't be a good example--then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. - Catherine Aird
When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow! - Kathy Buckley
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb--and I'm also not blonde. - Dolly Parton
If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. - Sue Grafton
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. - Roseanne Barr
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. - Elayne Boosler
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman. - Margaret Thatcher
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. - Gloria Steinem
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. - Eleanor Roosevelt
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three women--one German, one Japanese and a Redneck--were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. "That was my pager," she said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand." The Redneck woman felt decidedly low-tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her butt. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. The Redneck finally said, "Well, will you look at that. I'm getting a fax."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy 2 servings per night, and a few more on weekends. I consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week. Therefore...In the last 3 1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 155 pounds, so without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago!
I owe my life to chocolate.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What I want in a Man, Original List (age 25):
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates the finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
What I want in a Man, Revised List (age 35):
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
What I want in a Man, Revised List (age 45):
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady--splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
What I want in a Man, Revised List (age 55):
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers my name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends
What I want in a Man, Revised List (age 65):
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where the bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it is the weekend
What I want in a Man, Revised List (age 75):
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet
(Again, all SO true!! XD)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The downtown luxury apartment was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and then he would buy her another place. The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things.
While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started; slowly but surely. Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad. They tried everything; cleaned and mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went. Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home...including the curtain rods.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she always tries to eat the bird". The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cabdriver hit a parked car...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their housework duties.
The first man married a woman from Pennsylvania and bragged that he had told her, she was going to do all the dishes and all the house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from New York. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He said that on the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a Texas girl. He boasted that he had informed her his house was to be cleaned, dishes washed, the cooking done and laundry washed. And this was all her responsibility. He said the first day he didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see anything either, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye!
Gotta love those Texas Women!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PMS:
1. PassMyShotgun
2. PsychoticMoodShift
3. PerpetualMunchingSpree
4. PuffyMid-Section
5. PeopleMakemeSick
6. ProvideMewithSweets
7. PardonMySobbing
8. PimplesMaySurface
9. PassMySweatpants
10. PissyMoodSyndrome
11. Plainly,MenSuck
12. PackMyStuff
13. PotentialMurderSuspect
(Please don't kill me when I say I never really had PMS crabbiness nor cramps...) <.< >.> *hides*
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because a woman has to say everything twice. The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have found inner peace; here's how you can, too. I read an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish everything you start...Today I finished two bags of potato chips, a chocolate pie, a bottle of wine and a small box of chocolate candy. I feel better already.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
5 Secrets to a Great Relationship:
1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, occasionally cooks and cleans, and who has a job.
2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man who is dependable.
4. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.
5. It is important that these four men never meet.
XD Enjoy!
PHPBB-BG.INFO