some funny stuff.
-
- Matrix Operator
- Posts: 2112
- Joined: Wed Sep 20, 2006 12:58 pm
- Location: Aboard Mark XIV No. 62 hovership "Mjolnir"
- Contact:
-
- Knowledgable Viking
- Posts: 327
- Joined: Sun Jul 30, 2006 2:04 pm
- Location: On the field with my spearman instructor.
-
- Matrix Operator
- Posts: 2112
- Joined: Wed Sep 20, 2006 12:58 pm
- Location: Aboard Mark XIV No. 62 hovership "Mjolnir"
- Contact:
Yeah, everyone I meet agrees.
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
And why are there Interstate highways in Hawaii?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
And why are there Interstate highways in Hawaii?
The devil doesn't come dressed in a red cape and pointy horns. He comes as everything you've ever wished for.
-Tucker Max
-Tucker Max
-
- The Broken One
- Posts: 634
- Joined: Mon Aug 29, 2005 11:30 pm
- Location: my own little world, eatin' all yer cuppy cakes
- Contact:
My turn.
Warning, most are really stupid and probably not funny.
I will not be offended if you don't laugh.
(then why am i posting them, you ask? because i was told to)
--------------------------------------------------------------------
three men walked into a bar
the fourth one ducked
(slightly explicit)
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
two, but don't ask me how they got in there
what is green and could kill you if it fell out of a tree?
a pool table
what's black and white and red?
mimes in a chainsaw fight
What's black and white and doesn't fit through revolving doors?
a nun with a spear through her head
a penguin floated away on a glacier
when it floated back it had a typewriter
three penguins were sledding down a hill.
the first slid down and said, "Wheeee!"
the second slid down and said, "Wheeee!"
the third slid down and said, "Radiooooooooo!"
The boat slid across the surface of the lake exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
John and Mary had never meant. They were like two hummingbirds... that also had never met.
It was a favorite pasttime. Like fathers chasing their sons with power tools.
punch line without a joke:
"surprise surprise", said the penguin, "that's not my ear canal either"
Warning, most are really stupid and probably not funny.
I will not be offended if you don't laugh.
(then why am i posting them, you ask? because i was told to)
--------------------------------------------------------------------
three men walked into a bar
the fourth one ducked
(slightly explicit)
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
two, but don't ask me how they got in there
what is green and could kill you if it fell out of a tree?
a pool table
what's black and white and red?
mimes in a chainsaw fight
What's black and white and doesn't fit through revolving doors?
a nun with a spear through her head
a penguin floated away on a glacier
when it floated back it had a typewriter
three penguins were sledding down a hill.
the first slid down and said, "Wheeee!"
the second slid down and said, "Wheeee!"
the third slid down and said, "Radiooooooooo!"
The boat slid across the surface of the lake exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
John and Mary had never meant. They were like two hummingbirds... that also had never met.
It was a favorite pasttime. Like fathers chasing their sons with power tools.
punch line without a joke:
"surprise surprise", said the penguin, "that's not my ear canal either"
not turkey! no say gobble gobble...
-------------------------------------
i'm not evil...i just pull a lot of pranks that happen to be felonys
-------------------------------------
i'm not evil...i just pull a lot of pranks that happen to be felonys
-
- Grand Master Venerable Dragon
- Posts: 830
- Joined: Mon Jun 06, 2005 11:57 pm
- Location: Wasting away in margaritaville
Ok, is a list of "rules" for my home town, Valdosta Ga. Some may even work for where you live.
1. You are either for Valdosta or Lowndes. You have no choice. If you abstain, you will be assigned a team. There are no other schools. It's better to learn that sooner than later. For newborns a team must be chosen by age 3. Once you have team, you can’t change. Ever.
2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. No one pays attention to them here. Merging, yielding, and right-of-way are completely foreign terms. As are turn throughs, turning your blinker on or off, and four way stops.
3. To find anything in Valdosta it is required that you know where Peaches and Hooters are. They are the directional Alpha and Omega: the beginning and the end.
4. Directions to anywhere may, and usually do, make a reference to "the old Lowe's", "The old Wal-Mart" The Old Winn Dixie†and “the old 84 Lumberâ€. This could be somewhat confusing to the recent imports since there are now two “old Wal-Marts†and at least two “old Winn Dixie’sâ€).
5. The morning rush hour is from 7am to 9am. The evening rush hour is from 4pm to 6pm. Saturday has no rush hour just avoid Ashley, Patterson and Bemiss. Avoid anything inside Inner Perimeter Road (see #3).
6. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. Repeat after me, Green means Go, Red means Stop, Yellow means Speed Up!!!
7. 75 North and 75 South, 84 East and 84 West meet at Exit 16 which actually has no direction, it is a vortex, a black hole. It is only surpassed by exit 18 where physicals of the rest of the universe are unknown (see #2).
8. Inner Perimeter Road was supposed to go around the city. Like so many other things in Valdosta , it was dropped because it actually seemed like a good idea and wasn’t Harley Langdale’s idea. It is NOT a bypass, only an import would call it that. Dumb name anyway since there is no “ Outer Perimeter Road †and neither one would actually go around anything if anything resembling logic were to hold true in this town.
8 . Bemiss, Ashley, Williams, Patterson and Oak all are actually the same road; they just go to different places at different paces. All five of these roads will make you dizzy and ensure you never wind up in the same place twice. No they don’t make a circle, a line, a polygon or any other logical geometric pattern to help you with #5. They don’t even travel in the same direction. None of them goes to Rome . Scratch that adage.
9. The "Club" is the Valdosta Country Club; the "Golf Course" is Stone Creek. Kinderlou is where rich folks get treated like trailer trash by richer folks. All will allow rich folks to play golf. Do not get these places confused. All are for PGA wannabees.
10. Perimeter Road will never go around the perimeter. It doesn’t even point out of town anymore. If it does ever go around, you will be too old to drive and won’t care.
11. Watch very carefully for road hazards such as deer, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, pot holes, cats, pieces of other cars, single shoes, opossums, truck tires, raccoons, squirrels, rabbits, crows or vultures feeding on any of these items.
12. The minimum acceptable speed on Highway 75 is 75 mph. This includes all of those ridiculous road construction signs. Anything less is considered downright sissy. This is Valdosta ’s version of NASCAR.
13. Let’s be serious now… I-75 will never be 6 lanes all the way to Atlanta no matter how many paving companies have to go out of business to prove it.
14. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously.
14. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 in a 55 zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly.
15 . Ground clearance of at least 12 inches is recommended for “in city†driving.
16. If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend. If it’s 30 degrees, close the freezer.
17. There are really only two seasons here: Summer and Christmas.
18. "I got caught behind a tractor" is a perfectly acceptable excuse for anyone who is late. As we all know you are likely to see a tractor on any road at any time of year.
19. If you come from Ray City we will assume you live in a trailer. If you come from Nashville we will assume you are a peanut, cotton or tobacco farmer. If you graduated from Lowndes we will assume you have a pageant crown or a football trophy and no education. If you come from Stone Creek we will assume you paid too much for your house and you moved there so your kids could attend the only high school in America with its own Interstate exit and a Hooters in the parking lot.
20. If you choose to live in Stone Creek or, God forbid, Kinderlou, plan to leave for work at 4am and return home around 11pm. Otherwise you will be caught in what can only be described as "the world's longest turning lane".
21. Don't get here late and expect something to eat. After 9pm, your choices are Waffle House, Huddle House, Krystal or Hooters.
22. You can buy a million-dollar home on a golf course but you will have to drive 10 miles for a loaf of bread.
23. Downtown is an interesting place. Every time you visit, there will be a whole new set of restaurants, fewer stores, and less parking.
24. All city council decisions must be signed off on by all members of the Langdale clan and the First Baptist Church .
25 . South Troup Street and Hudson Dockett. Don't go there. Never. Ever. Unless, of course, you are looking for drugs or the Most Wanted.
1. You are either for Valdosta or Lowndes. You have no choice. If you abstain, you will be assigned a team. There are no other schools. It's better to learn that sooner than later. For newborns a team must be chosen by age 3. Once you have team, you can’t change. Ever.
2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. No one pays attention to them here. Merging, yielding, and right-of-way are completely foreign terms. As are turn throughs, turning your blinker on or off, and four way stops.
3. To find anything in Valdosta it is required that you know where Peaches and Hooters are. They are the directional Alpha and Omega: the beginning and the end.
4. Directions to anywhere may, and usually do, make a reference to "the old Lowe's", "The old Wal-Mart" The Old Winn Dixie†and “the old 84 Lumberâ€. This could be somewhat confusing to the recent imports since there are now two “old Wal-Marts†and at least two “old Winn Dixie’sâ€).
5. The morning rush hour is from 7am to 9am. The evening rush hour is from 4pm to 6pm. Saturday has no rush hour just avoid Ashley, Patterson and Bemiss. Avoid anything inside Inner Perimeter Road (see #3).
6. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out, and possibly shot. Repeat after me, Green means Go, Red means Stop, Yellow means Speed Up!!!
7. 75 North and 75 South, 84 East and 84 West meet at Exit 16 which actually has no direction, it is a vortex, a black hole. It is only surpassed by exit 18 where physicals of the rest of the universe are unknown (see #2).
8. Inner Perimeter Road was supposed to go around the city. Like so many other things in Valdosta , it was dropped because it actually seemed like a good idea and wasn’t Harley Langdale’s idea. It is NOT a bypass, only an import would call it that. Dumb name anyway since there is no “ Outer Perimeter Road †and neither one would actually go around anything if anything resembling logic were to hold true in this town.
8 . Bemiss, Ashley, Williams, Patterson and Oak all are actually the same road; they just go to different places at different paces. All five of these roads will make you dizzy and ensure you never wind up in the same place twice. No they don’t make a circle, a line, a polygon or any other logical geometric pattern to help you with #5. They don’t even travel in the same direction. None of them goes to Rome . Scratch that adage.
9. The "Club" is the Valdosta Country Club; the "Golf Course" is Stone Creek. Kinderlou is where rich folks get treated like trailer trash by richer folks. All will allow rich folks to play golf. Do not get these places confused. All are for PGA wannabees.
10. Perimeter Road will never go around the perimeter. It doesn’t even point out of town anymore. If it does ever go around, you will be too old to drive and won’t care.
11. Watch very carefully for road hazards such as deer, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, pot holes, cats, pieces of other cars, single shoes, opossums, truck tires, raccoons, squirrels, rabbits, crows or vultures feeding on any of these items.
12. The minimum acceptable speed on Highway 75 is 75 mph. This includes all of those ridiculous road construction signs. Anything less is considered downright sissy. This is Valdosta ’s version of NASCAR.
13. Let’s be serious now… I-75 will never be 6 lanes all the way to Atlanta no matter how many paving companies have to go out of business to prove it.
14. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously.
14. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 in a 55 zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly.
15 . Ground clearance of at least 12 inches is recommended for “in city†driving.
16. If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend. If it’s 30 degrees, close the freezer.
17. There are really only two seasons here: Summer and Christmas.
18. "I got caught behind a tractor" is a perfectly acceptable excuse for anyone who is late. As we all know you are likely to see a tractor on any road at any time of year.
19. If you come from Ray City we will assume you live in a trailer. If you come from Nashville we will assume you are a peanut, cotton or tobacco farmer. If you graduated from Lowndes we will assume you have a pageant crown or a football trophy and no education. If you come from Stone Creek we will assume you paid too much for your house and you moved there so your kids could attend the only high school in America with its own Interstate exit and a Hooters in the parking lot.
20. If you choose to live in Stone Creek or, God forbid, Kinderlou, plan to leave for work at 4am and return home around 11pm. Otherwise you will be caught in what can only be described as "the world's longest turning lane".
21. Don't get here late and expect something to eat. After 9pm, your choices are Waffle House, Huddle House, Krystal or Hooters.
22. You can buy a million-dollar home on a golf course but you will have to drive 10 miles for a loaf of bread.
23. Downtown is an interesting place. Every time you visit, there will be a whole new set of restaurants, fewer stores, and less parking.
24. All city council decisions must be signed off on by all members of the Langdale clan and the First Baptist Church .
25 . South Troup Street and Hudson Dockett. Don't go there. Never. Ever. Unless, of course, you are looking for drugs or the Most Wanted.
The victories from those skilled in warfare are not considered of great wisdom or courage, because their victories have no miscalculations
- SUN-TZU
- SUN-TZU
-
- Knowledgable Viking
- Posts: 327
- Joined: Sun Jul 30, 2006 2:04 pm
- Location: On the field with my spearman instructor.
-
- Wandering Dragon
- Posts: 443
- Joined: Sun Feb 18, 2007 5:16 am
I got a some jokes, there not brill but i thought they were funny :
(1)A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying "So did I!"
(2)There was a flood in a village.
One man said to everyone, "I'll stay! God will save me!"
The flood got higher and a boat came and the man in it said "Come on mate, get in!"
"No" replied the man. God will save me!
The flood got very high now and the man had to stand on the roof of his house.
A helicopter soon came and the man offered him help."
No, God will save me!" he said
Eventually he died by drowning.
He got by the gates of heaven and he said to God "Why didn't you save me?"
God replied, "For goodness sake! I sent a boat and a helicopter. What more do you want!"
(1)A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying "So did I!"
(2)There was a flood in a village.
One man said to everyone, "I'll stay! God will save me!"
The flood got higher and a boat came and the man in it said "Come on mate, get in!"
"No" replied the man. God will save me!
The flood got very high now and the man had to stand on the roof of his house.
A helicopter soon came and the man offered him help."
No, God will save me!" he said
Eventually he died by drowning.
He got by the gates of heaven and he said to God "Why didn't you save me?"
God replied, "For goodness sake! I sent a boat and a helicopter. What more do you want!"
-
- Matrix Operator
- Posts: 2112
- Joined: Wed Sep 20, 2006 12:58 pm
- Location: Aboard Mark XIV No. 62 hovership "Mjolnir"
- Contact:
There is a point to the second one.And those driving rules sound exactly like Rhode Island's, except for:
The directions. All buildings are referred to by their location relative to a Dunkin' Donuts; The golf courses are cemetaries where all the gravestones were stolen; Only half of our roads are paved; The other half are under construction; The strongest drug charges here are for illegal caffeine trafficking, and; You have to drive 10 miles to go anywhere, regardless of location;And for an original one,
Q: Why do gorrilas have big nostrils?
A: They have big fingers.
The devil doesn't come dressed in a red cape and pointy horns. He comes as everything you've ever wished for.
-Tucker Max
-Tucker Max
-
- Grand Master Venerable Dragon
- Posts: 830
- Joined: Mon Jun 06, 2005 11:57 pm
- Location: Wasting away in margaritaville
-
- Knowledgeable Dragon
- Posts: 206
- Joined: Fri Sep 08, 2006 11:45 am
- Location: a brain. i think it's mine. not sure though...
Haha. Anyone ever been to Chicago and/or lived there? Nowhere else will you be ticketed by legitimate cops for going the speed limit (the real limit is whatever everyone else is going. also there are these things called express lanes where you supposedly go faster than the other lanes (unless of course you're going downtown during the evening, in which case you will impale your cars cuz the lanes have reversed by then.
Oh, and heaven forbid you have a wisconsin license plate.
I live in a small town in wisconsin (but i used to live in chicago) and you know, even in chicago people in cars stop for people in crosswalks. In wisconsin, however, you can't cross a crosswalk until there are no cars in either direction because you will be run over and killed without remorse.
and don't even get me started on changing road names!!!!! (I live on a road that succesfully changes names 3 times in 5 miles)
Oh, and heaven forbid you have a wisconsin license plate.
I live in a small town in wisconsin (but i used to live in chicago) and you know, even in chicago people in cars stop for people in crosswalks. In wisconsin, however, you can't cross a crosswalk until there are no cars in either direction because you will be run over and killed without remorse.
and don't even get me started on changing road names!!!!! (I live on a road that succesfully changes names 3 times in 5 miles)
Now and then I announce "I know you're listening" to empty rooms. If I'm wrong, no one knows. And if I'm right, maybe i just freaked the hell out of some secret organization. It's basically Paschal's wager for the paranoid prankster.
~~ http://www.xkcd.com ~~
~~ http://www.xkcd.com ~~
PHPBB-BG.INFO