The Total Imbecile's Guide To: Getting a Date

[Falconer]

This is the first in a series of guides for the Total Imbecile in us on how to deal with life.

DATING:
Dating is an art form that is appreciated by few. The intricacies are many and the solutions vague. Here it is, however, how to get a date in five easy steps. For boys:

GETTING A DATE
Step 1:ASK HER OUT.
This step is put off for so long by many boys, yet it is the only way to step 2. At this point, if you are the timid kind, a beer may help. (Warning: that was a joke.) Just remember that no one will laugh at you for asking, unless in doing so you say or do something embaressing. Ask her out to dinner. Breakfast is out of the question unless you are calling at 3:30 AM, which I do not advise.

Step 2: TAKE HER OUT ON A DATE.
Not to be confused with taking her out with a sniper rifle. Take her to somewhere you think she would like to go. Don't know where she likes? ASK. You'd be surprised at how many times this part is neglected.

THE DATE
Step 3: ACTING, or HOW TO BEHAVE.
Hold the door for her. Pull out her chair for her. Help her in any way that seems courteous to you. No escuses, being pleasent and nice goes a lot further than looks. Also be on your best behavior, and keep her in mind. She's Mormon? Don't order beer or wine. She's Jewish? Stay away from pork. Get the point? It's not about you, it's about her. At the same time, don't smother her. Too much consideration is almost as bad as too little.

AFTER THE MEAL
Step 4: AFTERMATH
This is it. The aftermath, when everything balances on a knife's edge. Drive her home. When you are there, bid her good night and make sure she gets home safe. Kissing is not advised, as both parties may not be ready yet. Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES enter her house if her parents/roomate are absent. One thing leads to another, and disaster quickly follows. Sex is to be avoided like the plague. It causes too many problems and is generally a VERY BAD idea.

Step 5: At this point you are on your own. My advice is:
A: if you agree to do something, do it. This will win many points.
B: never, ever, ever, ever stand her up. Always be where you say you will be.
C: be considerate of her. Keep in mind what you think you are saying and what she hears can be different.
D: the dreaded question: "Does this [name of clothing item] make me look fat?" There is no right answer, but the following are best:
"You look lovely." (if you like it)
"I don't like it as much as [name of previous item]." (if the clothing item in question looks like a reject from hell's laundromat.)

DATING FOR GIRLS

GETTING A DATE
Step 1: LOOK CUTE AND BE PATIENT
Girls get dates easier than guys for two reasons:
A: they are less likely to do something repulsive.
B: they are better at the Looking Attractive part.
But there is still work. Guys may need to work up courage to ask you. Try to be receptive when they do. Also, it is up to you to make sure that it is The Guy you want to spend your life wiht, as guys are rather indiscriminate. (Sorry, guys.)

Step 2: GO ON A DATE
Let him know, as meekly as possible, what places you would like to go to. Be sensitive of his culture. (see step 3 for guys.) And be patient. Sometimes they are thick-headed and need several reminders.

THE DATE
Step 3: ACTING, or HOW TO BEHAVE
The same rules apply here as for guys.

AFTER THE MEAL
Step 4: THE AFTERMATH
Let him drive you to your house. Thank him for the wonderful time. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES are you to invite him in, for the same reasons that he isn't supposed to accept. Unless your parents or roommate are there.

Step 5: FINAL ADVICE
The rules of engagement are the same for boys and girls, only the roles are different. always keep in mind that you are choosing a life partner, and that dating is not some casual game, but the search for a spouse, and you will always win!

This message brought to you by Falconer. All rights reserved.

[+ Silver - Orbs +]

xD You forgot about advice for a same-sex interested but celibate woman who despises any attempt at making a woman seem helpless (aka, unable to move a chair or open a door- we're not weak).

Of course, I could be a 1 in a million freak example <.<

[Corva]

And you need to edit the bit for guys with: If the girl in question slaps you, Falconer is not to blame.

[Falconer]

xD You forgot about advice for a same-sex interested but celibate woman who despises any attempt at making a woman seem helpless (aka, unable to move a chair or open a door- we're not weak).

Of course, I could be a 1 in a million freak example <.<

You're also in the minority, I'm just giving advice to the general populace.

[vampirehunter42]

GETTING A DATE
Step 1:ASK HER OUT.
This step is put off for so long by many boys, yet it is the only way to step 2. At this point, if you are the timid kind, a beer may help. (Warning: that was a joke.) Just remember that no one will laugh at you for asking, unless in doing so you say or do something embarrassing. Ask her out to dinner. Breakfast is out of the question unless you are calling at 3:30 AM, which I do not advise.

Well beer has helped me once. But it is not a good idea because you don't see the large boyfriend standing near here. I am so glad I knew both of them.

Step 2: TAKE HER OUT ON A DATE.
Not to be confused with taking her out with a sniper rifle. Take her to somewhere you think she would like to go. Don't know where she likes? ASK. You'd be surprised at how many times this part is neglected.

But don't make a habit of asking her. They don't like that.

THE DATE
Step 3: ACTING, or HOW TO BEHAVE.
Hold the door for her. Pull out her chair for her. Help her in any way that seems courteous to you. No excuses, being pleasant and nice goes a lot further than looks. Also be on your best behavior, and keep her in mind. She's Mormon? Don't order beer or wine. She's Jewish? Stay away from pork. Get the point? It's not about you, it's about her. At the same time, don't smother her. Too much consideration is almost as bad as too little.

I have to agree with silver here. Most women don't like the overblown gentlemen.

AFTER THE MEAL
Step 4: AFTERMATH
This is it. The aftermath, when everything balances on a knife's edge. Drive her home. When you are there, bid her good night and make sure she gets home safe. Kissing is not advised, as both parties may not be ready yet. Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES enter her house if her parents/roomate are absent. One thing leads to another, and disaster quickly follows. Sex is to be avoided like the plague. It causes too many problems and is generally a VERY BAD idea.

I will have to plea the 5th on this one......

Step 5: At this point you are on your own. My advice is:
A: if you agree to do something, do it. This will win many points.
B: never, ever, ever, ever stand her up. Always be where you say you will be.
C: be considerate of her. Keep in mind what you think you are saying and what she hears can be different.
D: the dreaded question: "Does this [name of clothing item] make me look fat?" There is no right answer, but the following are best:
"You look lovely." (if you like it)
"I don't like it as much as [name of previous item]." (if the clothing item in question looks like a reject from hell's Laundromat.)

E: Never under any reason sane or insane get into the conversation of the X girlfriend. (also don't tell her you are still friends with the X either)

F: Don't get jealous about ever guy who is within 15 feet (5 meters) of her, it is just too much stress to add to the date.

G: Unless you are ready for a real fight, Don't check out any other female at all. I don't care how good she looks in those jeans.

H: Well anything else I must plea the 5th again.

Unless you can't guess, I have done some very stupid things.....



And Silver Orbs you are not alone, most females don't like that. But as long as the guy does it only a small amount it don't hurt. But we did cure a friend of that, she was ready to kill us at the end of a couple of months of treating her just like another guy.

[Marik]

And you need to edit the bit for guys with: If the girl in question slaps you, Falconer is not to blame.

I beg to differ. I always find it is better to blame someone elses guide.

[+ Silver - Orbs +]

THE DATE
Step 3: ACTING, or HOW TO BEHAVE.
Hold the door for her. Pull out her chair for her. Help her in any way that seems courteous to you. No excuses, being pleasant and nice goes a lot further than looks. Also be on your best behavior, and keep her in mind. She's Mormon? Don't order beer or wine. She's Jewish? Stay away from pork. Get the point? It's not about you, it's about her. At the same time, don't smother her. Too much consideration is almost as bad as too little.

I have to agree with silver here. Most women don't like the overblown gentlemen.

Not exactly. A little gallantry is flattering at times, as is holding the door and whatnot (especially if one is feeling like a pack mule with luggage) but at every little door? 99% of the time I utilise either hip, shoulder or boot to barge my way through- and damn the consquences.

<.< Maybe this is why I haven't been on a single date in my life.

[Falconer]

I didn't mean blow it out of proportion, just use common courtesy. And don't ask about everything, just what you need to.

[vampirehunter42]

The truth is I normally open doors for most anyone, man, woman or whatever. It is just how I go through life. But I don't think "oh there is a woman I must open the door for her". If I am the first through the door I keep it open for the people after me, and I expect them to keep it open for me if they were first.


And one of the major rules you forgot.

0.1: Never date someone you either work with, go to class with, or a close friend. It will really turn out bad.
reasons
a: You will see way too much of each other
b: If and when something goes wrong, this will cause a divide in your friends.

(I have been on both ends of this, I still have friends I am trying to get a hold of because of this.)

[+ Silver - Orbs +]

I might add something.
JUST BE YOURSELF.
Don't pretend to be a rave fan if you're into heavy metal that can blow your eardrums off. Don't pretend to like the food you're eating with her/him just to make them think you have similar tastes. Different people can be the best of friends- I mean, I wear either historical clothing or black 99% of the time and I hang with a hippy lass whose wardrobe is almost completly rainbow coloured. We look nothing alike yet we're pals.

On the door topic, seconded. Although if I'm in town and I do it, people seem honestly surprised to find a student holding a door open. We're not all terrible!

Oh, and never fart/belch on a first date. According to my mother, she didn't fart in front of my father until they were married 3 years- not they're trumpin' together happily! And hot air rises, so never embrace your lover/date while wearing an overcoat and let rip.

[Araki]

question What happens when she all but tries to rape you? I had coworker try to get me drunk and force her self on me last night.

[+ Silver - Orbs +]

You go for one of two options.

Drop an ice-cube down her bra and run, ducking as you go.
Or
Push her away enough not to hurt her but enough to keep her comfortably away from you. Explain that you're not interested and will file sexual harassment charges if she continues.

Option A is more amusing to watch, Option B is more sensible

[vampirehunter42]

Now that is a tough one....... I would say just keep your distance from her, never do anything other than work with her. That is another reason not to date someone you work with.


And keep her away from your pet rabbit.



And a add on to the "just be yourself" thing. Don't just out and out tell them you don't like the thing. Then she will tell you how she had to put up with that bluegrass music you play all the time.(or take you away from a party when they start playing Simpsons tapes, yes tapes not DVDs) Somewhat of a joke there, but do be polite when saying so. I do have to agree with the odd mix of people being friends. I just throw on whatever shirt is on top of the pile and the cleanest pair of jeans I can find to go hang out, and I have friends who have to spend some time on their choices.

[+ Silver - Orbs +]

And a add on to the "just be yourself" thing. Don't just out and out tell them you don't like the thing. Then she will tell you how she had to put up with that bluegrass music you play all the time.(or take you away from a party when they start playing Simpsons tapes, yes tapes not DVDs) Somewhat of a joke there, but do be polite when saying so. I do have to agree with the odd mix of people being friends. I just throw on whatever shirt is on top of the pile and the cleanest pair of jeans I can find to go hang out, and I have friends who have to spend some time on their choices.

You sound like someone who'd be amusing to hang out with. ANYWAY.
On the saying you dislike something, this is a way of going about it:
Them: Hey, do you like my (insert item/body part/name/whatever here)?
If you don't, here's an easy response.
You: Yes, but (insert what you'd prefer here) I'm certain would suit you better.

[Silentiea]

Right. Just an addendum:

Never throw big pieces of flammable things at them. There's about an eighteenth of a percent chance that something very bad will happen. Not good, mind you: Bad.