Megaman

[Wardonis]

This is the thread to post comments and questions for the megaman stroy i'm writing with a friend. We will be posting select chapters for short periods of time for you to read and comment on. Were looking for you to poke holes in it and ask questions like why, i can't promise you'll always be answered because somethings aren't supose to be revealed till later in the story. This is an origonal approch to the megaman story and exists in an alternate time line than that of the games and shows. I will not be posting every chapter, mostlikly I wont even show you what chapter it is. I will be posting things that we feel need a little improvement and would like feed back on.

please post here and not in the RP thread.

[Forgotten Dragon's Ire]

You need work on that first bit it appears to have no climax only seems to have a beginning and an end

you really do need to plan out what you write a story can't just have a beginning and and end it needs substance

Edit: dang you filled it in

[Wardonis]

are you saying this before or after I posted the script?

If your posting about the story please give me specifics.

EDIT: oh lol

[Forgotten Dragon's Ire]

yeah i saw it before you put anything between the DO NOT POST HEREs when it still looked like this

DO NOT POST HERE








DO NOT POST HERE

[Forgotten Dragon's Ire]

Sorry for double posting but i felt this post should be separate from last

I thought the *filler* between the DO NOT POST HEREs was rather good I liked how you chose a audio diary format for it and the only thing i felt that detracted from it were a couple grammatical errors

"My good behavior lasted as long" should be "My good behavior lasted only as long"
And I felt you used "I" to start sentences a tad too liberally and a few sentences sounded awkwardly phrased but other than that
it seemed to me to be a rousing success and I can't wait to read more

Edit: Never mind i reread it and realized the I's weren't as liberally used as I had thought except for here
I then went the opposite direction to check on my father. I was very impatient as a youth and I hated waiting on anything.”
“I reached my father’s office after some tactful hiding under and around furniture to avoid the army of lab techs the company employed.

Really all that is wrong with it is that it seems redundant in phrasing because all 3 sentences begin with "I" and are one right after the other

[Wardonis]

I appreciate the feed back here is what I have eddited that section to be:

“Bill asked me to be good and stay put while he did his rounds, saying that he; didn’t want to loose his job or have my father angry at him‘. My good behavior lasted only as long as it took him to reach the end of the hall and turn the corner. Heading for the door in the opposite direction plans to check on my father and see what was taking so long innocently passed through my head. I was very impatient as a youth and hated waiting on anything.”
“It wasn’t long before I reached my father’s office after some tactful hiding under and around furniture to avoid the army of lab techs the company employed.

[Forgotten Dragon's Ire]

change this sentence "Heading for the door in the opposite direction plans to check on my father and see what was taking so long innocently passed through my head."
to
"As soon as Bill left my vision I innocently went in the opposite direction with the intention of seeing what was taking my father so long."

gets the same thing across without it sounding as awkward

[Jishdefish]

Well, I like it, but if you're ever to publish this for any monetary gain, you'll need to get permission from Capcom or whoever owns the copyrights to "Megaman" as a franchise, if you haven't already.

But, I'd also like to note that you can eliminate the ending quotation marks of every paragraph except when you end one person's dialog to switch to a different character's point of view.

(Example:

"Dear Dr. Light,

"I'm truly sorry to hear of Lucca's untimely demise, and you have my condolences. I would fully understand if you would like to withdraw from the project for personal reasons. If not, please contact me.

"Sincerely, etc.")

[Wardonis]

ty for your input

[vampirehunter42]

Moved, more of an artwork idea.

[Wardonis]

you moved the OOC where ppl would comment on the story but not the story itself whish is still in the RP forum. think it would be better the other way around.

[vampirehunter42]

Well neither really needed to be in rp. But both are moved right now. I'll read through when I get a chance.

[Wardonis]

I will be removing the posted section of story friday night, if you have any questions or comment please post them asap

[Forgotten Dragon's Ire]

aw your going to remove it?
I saved it so i'm good

[Tempest]

Just a suggestion here, wouldn't it be better to post all this in a single thread since the topic here seems to be about the feedback on your story and not a sum of small posts that need not to be interrupted by comments in order to maintain the story continuity.

Example:
<Posting part A of the story>
<comment1>
<comment2>
...
<Post part B of the story, blanking part A>
<comment1>
<comment2>
...
and so on.

You should still be able to edit any of your previous posts but it would add a certain structure to the comments and people who chip in would have a reference point (i.e. not mistaking old comments with new ones).

[Wardonis]

I take your point but origonally i had a different idea than what you see now. I'm not going to be leaving anything up for any length of time just a few days, I wanted to have the story seperate from comments for a reason but I think i'm jsut going to change it all together.