Dragnix.Net

A friend of mine posted this on another board thought id share it with you all here.

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.



MAN: "Hello."

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $3,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006
models. I saw one I really liked"

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$85,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .....the house I wanted last
year is back on the market. They're asking $850,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make them an offer of $800,000. They will
probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is
really a pretty good price."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in
astonishment , mouths agape.....

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Ahahahahahahahhaa
That was sooooooo funny. How about this?

Romeo: If you don't marry me, I'll hang myself on a tree in front of your house.
Juliet: Please don't. You know my father doesn't like you hanging around.

Man: I have a cold or something in my head.
Woman: I'll bet it's a cold.

heres another one.

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to
consider this...

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston.

After almost twenty-four hours on the road,they' re too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.

They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00! When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the manager.

The manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them", the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have", explains the manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New
York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here", the manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows", complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have", the manager replies.

No matter what amenity the manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the manager.

The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir", he says, "this check is only made out for $50.00".

"That's correct", says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife".

"But I didn't!" exclaims the manager.

"Well, too bad", the man replies. "She was here and you could have".

How about this one?

A man drives a concrete truck for a living. He passes his house and sees a new car parked in the driveway. Suspecting his wife of having an affair he dumps concrete all over the car. Just then his wife phones up and says she has bought him a new car and that it's parked in the driveway.

The doctor says to the patient, "I have some bad news for you. First, the tests show you have 24 hours to live. Second, I tried to call you about this yesterday."

In case you need a laugh...

Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.
After every flight, military pilots fill out a form, which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that maintainers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by U.S. military pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance technicians.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

That is a good one.

Omg, that was funny.

Greg goes to the Super Bowl Stadium (sry dont know name) and finds an empty seat at the fifty-yard line, but the man sitting next to it has his stuff on it.
Greg: Is this seat taken?
Man: I got it for my wife, but she passed away.
Greg: That's terrible, but why didn't you give the ticket to a family member, or a coworker, or a friend?
Man: They're all at the funeral.

Sad and funny.

C'mon, man, your turn. Tell us a good one.

One day a girl named Susie went to sunday school. And as soon as she got there she fell asleep at her desk and the teacher didn't notice.

Today they were haing a test and the teacher was asking practice questions, and eventually the teacher got to Susie.

The teacher asked Susie "Who created the earth?" Suddenly Bill, the boy sitting behind Susie, poked her in the back with the tip of his pen. Susie woke up and shouted "GOD ALMIGHTY!" The teacher said "Correct" and Susie went back to sleep.

Later the teacher came back to her and asked "Who was Jesus' mother?" Bill poked her in the back again. Susie woke up and shouted "HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GOD!" The teacher said "Correct" and Susie went back to sleep.

Right before the test the teacher asked Susie the last practice question. She asked "What did Eve say to Adam after their thirteenth child?" Bill poked her yet again. She woke up and screamed "IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'M GONNA BREAK IT IN HALF!"

The teacher fainted.

A bit of a knock on a religion...but it's funny <.<

XD ive heard that one but it makes me laugh even more everytime i hear it XD man thats so funny

I heard this one about the bravery of the Marines...

Some Marines are on a plane as part of their training. The instructor informs them that they'll be jumping out of the plane at 500 feet as a fitness excercise.
Some of the men begin to look worried, and finally one young man goes over and asks, "Could we jump out at, oh, 400 feet instead?"
"I'm afraid not," says the instructor. "Otherwise there won't be enough time for the parachutes to open."
"Oh," says the surprised recruit. "You mean we get parachutes?"

I like that one.

"You mean we get parachutes?"

Woman: It bothers me when my husband blows smoke rings out of his nose.
Psychiatrist: That isn't unusual.
Woman: But my husband doesn't smoke.

Woman: My husband thinks he's a refridgerator.
Psychiatrist: I wouldn't worry so long as he isn't dangerous.
Woman: Oh, the delusion doesn't bother me. But when he sleeps with his mouth open, the little light keeps me awake.

There are a family of balloons,mummy balloon,daddy balloon and little boy balloon,who were poor and had to sleep in the same bed .One night mummy and daddy balloon went to bed early and little boy ballon had to go to bed last.when he tries to get into bed he cant fit so he goes over to his dad and lets a bit of air out he still cant fit so he lets a bit of air out of mum but he still cant fit in so finally he lets some air out of himself and bingo in he gets and falls fast asleep.in the morning he goes down for breakfast and his dad says son we need to talk, we're disappointed in you. why says the son on the verge of tears with that his dad replies,well you've let me down ,you've let your mum down but most of all you've let yourself down!

Ahahahahahahahahahaa!

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted.

Warning. The following may be offensive to some readers. Viewer discretion is advised.

Two carrots are crossing the road, and one is hit by a car. He's taken to the hospital, and his friend asks the doctor, "Will he be all right?"
The doctor says, "He'll live, but he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

-coughsnorts-
I thought it was going to be something crude <.<;

Well, some people I've told that one to get offended, like they think I'm mocking Terry Shiavo or something.

(Some might not get this one)...

So this seal walks into a club...

That one never gets old...

....
Never gets old when it's on about illegal poaching, no, it doesn't